The Funniest Things Heard At Poker Tables
One night at Century Casino, a young gentlemen walks in and sits down at our poker table. We were having a fun time, but it seems this young man was a little stressed and intoxicated from the Oilers game. The young man uttered words under his breath, got angry when he couldn't hit, but eventually hit a big hand and got paid off. In one hand he was involved with, he makes a small bet and another man makes a big raise, he thinks for a while but eventually folds. As he folds he says, "It's not worth it if i don't win!"
Thanks Alexis Bharrat for the great story.
A very nice lady was playing at our table. She was playing very timidly and patiently waiting for a hand. After about an hour and only playing a few hands. She announced to the table "I'm usually not this tight", Clinton Beck replied, "I'm sorry to hear that." and her face turned a bright shade of red as everyone giggled.
Pack Up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
Dog Gone Poker
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Steven balancing chips... wow it was cool and funny.
I commented at the table the other night, "Fake it till you make it!" and a woman at the table said, "I have had to do that a few times in my life." I replied, "We are talking about poker, right" She blushed and gave me a high five.
A few nights ago at my home game, Mike and a nice young lady Daniel were in a hand. They both had QJ and on the river Daniel bluffed at the pot. Mike folded, and Daniel showed her hand and Mike said, "hey we had the same hand", my friend Paul said, "No, she had QJ and a pair of balls!" It was very funny.
This is a funny event that happened at Century Casino. I guess an old man waited too long to go to the bathroom in the baccarat room so he basically shit himself and ran to the bathroom. A stray terd fell out of his pants onto the rug. Instead of a manager getting a tissue and removing it to a waist basket, all the management said its not my job and phoned security. Just when things couldn't get any stupider, security then roped of the poop on the floor for 15 minutes and guarded it until a maintenance man finally came over to pick it up. All the customers were walking over to see what was roped off. It was one of the stupidest things I had ever witnesses but it was hilarious and it should go down in history as one of the worst management decisions of all time.
Did you hear about the guy that died playing 3-6 at Century Casino. Unfortunately, they had to call his hand dead.
Poker Players are Never Satisfied
A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "
The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"
The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to
fold the winners?"
Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."
After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on
the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me
to play yours too!"
After another complicated check raise with open end
straight flush draw with over cards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the
river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over
and doesn't say a word.
Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again.
Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 off suite.
Player #1 "Well, if you didn't have a king you probably would have folded."
Player #2 "Yeah, you're right ... But I thought you had something the way you
turned it over real proud."
Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".
Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can't think that fast".
Bulldog Poker Player
A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.
As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says,
"Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.
To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and
begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to
be in the Guinness Book of Records!"
The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."
The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 hold-em and was stuck about 300
dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a
million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."
Little Johnnie talks poker
Little Johnnie had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrined, had never spoken. Johnnie's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnnie's plight, and would take Johnnie with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elks Club Saturday night 10-20 hold'em game. Johnnie would sit on grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorney's and judges.
Alas, one Saturday night, grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, grandpa splashed the pot with a call.
Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, papa."
Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"
Johnnie looked at grandpa and said, "Well, up until now, you've been playing just fine."
Playing Poker with the Rent Money
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?" k
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Famous Poker Player
A young man was in a card room one day with his new
girlfriend. It's their first date and everything is going well, barring the
occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to "powder her nose" and while
she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly
like Mike "Mad Genius" Caro. So, he pops over and approaches Mike.
"Excuse me," says the young man, "but you half look like Mike Caro. I don't
suppose....."
"Well," interrupts Mike, "actually, I am Mike Caro."
Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Mike, I think you're great. I've got all your books and videos and blah, blah, blah, etc......could you do me a favor?"
"What ever you want,"says Mike.
"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, 'Hello Steve'."
"Sure, no problem." says Mike.
So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Mike to their table and goes up to Steve.
"Hi Steve, how you doing?" says Mike.
Steve looks up and says, "Oh, fuck off, Mike.
Obnoxious Kid on poker night
This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until
his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling
player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about
to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they
don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really
appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to
masturbate."
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The Funniest Things Heard At Poker Tables
One night at Century Casino, a young gentlemen walks in and sits down at our poker table. We were having a fun time, but it seems this young man was a little stressed and intoxicated from the Oilers game. The young man uttered words under his breath, got angry when he couldn't hit, but eventually hit a big hand and got paid off. In one hand he was involved with, he makes a small bet and another man makes a big raise, he thinks for a while but eventually folds. As he folds he says, "It's not worth it if i don't win!"
Thanks Alexis Bharrat for the great story.
A very nice lady was playing at our table. She was playing very timidly and patiently waiting for a hand. After about an hour and only playing a few hands. She announced to the table "I'm usually not this tight", Clinton Beck replied, "I'm sorry to hear that." and her face turned a bright shade of red as everyone giggled.
Pack Up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
Dog Gone Poker
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Steven balancing chips... wow it was cool and funny.
I commented at the table the other night, "Fake it till you make it!" and a woman at the table said, "I have had to do that a few times in my life." I replied, "We are talking about poker, right" She blushed and gave me a high five.
A few nights ago at my home game, Mike and a nice young lady Daniel were in a hand. They both had QJ and on the river Daniel bluffed at the pot. Mike folded, and Daniel showed her hand and Mike said, "hey we had the same hand", my friend Paul said, "No, she had QJ and a pair of balls!" It was very funny.
This is a funny event that happened at Century Casino. I guess an old man waited too long to go to the bathroom in the baccarat room so he basically shit himself and ran to the bathroom. A stray terd fell out of his pants onto the rug. Instead of a manager getting a tissue and removing it to a waist basket, all the management said its not my job and phoned security. Just when things couldn't get any stupider, security then roped of the poop on the floor for 15 minutes and guarded it until a maintenance man finally came over to pick it up. All the customers were walking over to see what was roped off. It was one of the stupidest things I had ever witnesses but it was hilarious and it should go down in history as one of the worst management decisions of all time.
Did you hear about the guy that died playing 3-6 at Century Casino. Unfortunately, they had to call his hand dead.
Poker Players are Never Satisfied
A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. "
The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!"
The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to
fold the winners?"
Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."
After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on
the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me
to play yours too!"
After another complicated check raise with open end
straight flush draw with over cards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the
river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over
and doesn't say a word.
Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again.
Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 off suite.
Player #1 "Well, if you didn't have a king you probably would have folded."
Player #2 "Yeah, you're right ... But I thought you had something the way you
turned it over real proud."
Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".
Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can't think that fast".
Bulldog Poker Player
A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.
As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says,
"Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.
To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and
begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to
be in the Guinness Book of Records!"
The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."
The Leprechaun
A guy was playing 10-20 hold-em and was stuck about 300
dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a
million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."
Little Johnnie talks poker
Little Johnnie had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrined, had never spoken. Johnnie's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnnie's plight, and would take Johnnie with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elks Club Saturday night 10-20 hold'em game. Johnnie would sit on grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorney's and judges.
Alas, one Saturday night, grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, grandpa splashed the pot with a call.
Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, papa."
Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"
Johnnie looked at grandpa and said, "Well, up until now, you've been playing just fine."
Playing Poker with the Rent Money
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?" k
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Famous Poker Player
A young man was in a card room one day with his new
girlfriend. It's their first date and everything is going well, barring the
occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to "powder her nose" and while
she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly
like Mike "Mad Genius" Caro. So, he pops over and approaches Mike.
"Excuse me," says the young man, "but you half look like Mike Caro. I don't
suppose....."
"Well," interrupts Mike, "actually, I am Mike Caro."
Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Mike, I think you're great. I've got all your books and videos and blah, blah, blah, etc......could you do me a favor?"
"What ever you want,"says Mike.
"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, 'Hello Steve'."
"Sure, no problem." says Mike.
So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Mike to their table and goes up to Steve.
"Hi Steve, how you doing?" says Mike.
Steve looks up and says, "Oh, fuck off, Mike.
Obnoxious Kid on poker night
This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until
his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling
player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about
to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they
don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really
appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to
masturbate."
A Christmas Story
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a hand would hold up
Thanks to that no good, no fold-em, idiot louse!
His stacks grew higher
Mine waned towards the felt
Now this S.O.B. has put me on TILT!
"CHIPS" cried the dealer
As I fumbled for cash
We were at war
Me and this little, river rat, 2-6 offsuit playing ASS!
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a pocket full of aces to bring me good cheer!
"RAISE" called the maniac, "RE-RAISE" I cried
"CAP" he hissed, with all hands still alive.
An 8-way pot at limits 6 and 12
Deeper into this story we shall now delve...
I flopped my Ace, this much is true
But little did I know he was holding two-two.
Heads up betting had me calling "All-In"
But there was no doubt that the best hand would win!
A two on the flop gave me no dismay
I was busily counting chips that would soon come my way.
The board paired on fourth street, giving me the nuts I assumed
And turned over my Aces for his eyes to consume.
He paused just a moment before "2!!" he did call...
And Miraculously.....................................................the
case deuce on the river did fall
"Nice Catch" I muttered, editing my initial reply
Where I'd tell this guy off, instead yelled "REBUY!"
While up in chips with these massive stacks
Maniac forgot to protect them and eventually gave them all back.
Within three hours I heard him mutter "all-in"
Head hung, defeated, he'd committed a poker sin
I raised on the button for "protection" (I lied)
Just wanted it heads up to restore my pride.
Burning and turning the board soon displayed
I'd caught an ace on the river to his dismay.
As he turned to go, I said (rather snobby)
"Merry Christmas! Oh and my book is for sale in the lobby!"
by Diane A. Monds
Question?
Dear Mr. Beck,
I am considering playing poker at a casino, could you please tell me what type of poker etiquette is acceptable.
Answer: I have asked Edmonton poker pro "Andy The Limo Driver" who is a local expert on the subject to answer this months question.
First, when
you win a pot you should gloat loudly and tell your opponent how badly he
played. Always be sure to tell everyone how well you play and your strategy
for winning. Always explain in great detail why you make the plays you do.
Tell your opponents how well you read them and point out every little error.
Secondly,
when you lose a pot you should throw the cards at the dealer and in a loud
voice complain bitterly to the person that beat you about what a bad player
he is.
Third.
Always ask for new decks and setups and constantly complain about how the
dealer in the box "cold decks" you whenever he deals. Tell the current
dealer and everyone at the table you will never play on one of his downs
ever again and not only that he can't even deal the cards without making a
mistake.
Even if he doesn't make a mistake wait patiently for some very minor
infraction and then loudly complain about his indiscretions.
Fourth.
Don't forget to glare and stare at players and dealers and try to intimidate
people with your mean callous disposition. Constantly mutter under your
breath, always speaking just loud enough so people can hear the foulest
stream of obscenities that you can possibly think of.
Fifth.
When you miss your straight, flush or full house or fail to make two pair
when necessary, cry like a little baby about how unlucky you are and how you
never catch any cards. Moan and groan about how unlucky you are.
Always complain out loud about the odds against your opponent beating you.
Never forget to mention that he had only one card in the deck with which to
win. Tell everyone how you can never catch a break. Let people know that if
it wasn't for the complete morons sitting at this table, you would be
winning a lot of money. Tell them that the world sucks, and wonder out loud
about how you could be so unlucky. Tell them you are the best player in the
room, yet you are still losing to a bunch of idiots that can't even spell
poker.
And finally when you get busted for the final time, stand up and fling your cards at the
dealers head and storm out of the poker room swearing the worst list of
profanities you can imagine.
All of the above are acceptable and desirable character traits for partaking
in any casino poker activity.
Thanks for your question...
Your Edmonton poker etiquette expert Andy.